In the Dark, Fingers Crossed

My basement, leather chair, November 6, 2018.  7:51pm.

I know nothing.  I will not (and have not) turned on the news or looked at the Internet, or looked at my phone for the last few hours.  I don’t want to know anything before I write this.

Not sure how this will come out, but it might not be pretty.  When Donald Trump won the election 2 years ago, I’m not sure how many times I wrote about politics in my blog, but it certainly wasn’t the predominant theme.  For God’s sake, the first entry I wrote was about the video game Dragon’s Lair. I mostly liked writing about silly things that crossed through my brain. But in the last 2 years, I certainly have had millions of silly thoughts, but any significant effort that went into writing felt like it should be focused on what’s been going on in this country.

So, when I say “it might not be pretty,” I mean that I’ve had a lot of stuff bottled up over the last several months and I feel like tonight is the time to get it out.  And unlike most blog writing sessions, I don’t want to over-edit myself. I just want to let things come out. I don’t have any illusions that this is going to convince anyone from ‘the other side’ but I guess you never know, and as in most cases of this blog, the real intent is just to get some things off my chest.

I can’t believe the places this president and this country has gone in the last two years.  I mean… I don’t even really know where to begin. It feels like a list would distill things down too much, but I’ve had issue after issue stacking up in my head for the past 2 years, just bubbling beneath the surface.  I am sick about where we are as a nation and sick about the fact that more people don’t seem to mind.

Let’s start there.  I am comforted by the fact that even in an election (2016) where Hillary inspired low enthusiasm from me, and apparently an A-bomb of apathy for millions of others: 4 million or so MORE people voted for her.  I’m not contesting that Trump won the election, I’m just saying that I can at least cling to some solace that, of votes cast, MOST people didn’t want this dickhead.

The night he won, I remember writing something about my disappointment on Facebook, but that I accepted him as our president and would give him a chance.  I believe I used the words “my president” or “our president.”

I’m not sure how long afterwards, but I quickly backed away from that statement.

This guy has brought up revulsion, shock, disgust, disbelief and so much anger in me.  And even though I know this is a common thing for folks on my side, I still have to say it: I can’t believe that I haven’t heard about more Republicans turning their back on him.  Either politicians or citizens.

I know several people that voted for Mr. Trump.  Some I consider good friends. But it has gotten harder and harder in the face of his barely-veiled racism (I mean, really: is it veiled?) to consider these people close to my heart.  I find it impossible to believe that women, in particular, support this excuse for a man.

The most recent and prevalent thing in my mind is the way he mocked Christine Blasey Ford at a rally in Mississippi.  I don’t know whether Dr. Ford was attacked by Brett Kavanaugh, but she almost certainly was sexually assaulted and she certainly went through a traumatic experience to talk about it in front of millions, and Donald Trump begins tearing her down to rile up his goon squad of supporters, who laughed and clapped.

What.  The. Fuck.  Is wrong with these people?  A serial adulterer who has been caught on tape saying he GRABS WOMEN BY THE PUSSY and he’s got a Greek Chorus of Assholes who will hoot and holler when he makes fun of someone who was nearly raped?

Full stop.  Necessary admission.  I voted for Bill Clinton twice and have come to realize that he is just as much a creep as anybody in the #metoo parade.  However, Clinton being a creep doesn’t somehow negate Trump. They’re both creeps. And philanderers. And predators. They both disgust me.  But. The list of transgressions is far from over for Trump.

  • Can’t convincingly condemn Nazis.

  • Casually condones violence against journalists and protesters.

  • Hasn’t done shit to fix healthcare, even though his party ran both houses of Congress.

  • Has paid off at least two people over sexual affairs and it’s taken as business as usual.  “That’s just how politicians are!” Oh, by the way: 3rd marriage. Still sticking his dick in porn stars and playmates, even with his wife hanging around and a 12 year old son. Evangelicals love him.

  • Repeatedly denies credible claims and evidence from our own intelligence agencies about Russian tampering in the election.

  • Still hasn’t released his tax returns.

  • Fucks the environment on the daily.  Why is environmentalism still a political issue?  If my Uncle Frank, one of the reddest people I know, admits that global warming is a thing, we should be done.  The planet is warming. Storms are getting more and more destructive. Trump couldn’t care less.

  • See also: Puerto Rico.

  • Loves Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Duterte.  You know-- the good guys!

  • Has not once in two years said something that caused me to think that he has any reasonable grasp of policy.  Domestic, foreign, political. You name it. Does anyone really think Trump could explain how tariffs really work?  Or our strategy in Afghanistan? Does Donald Trump read anything? Is his reading level higher than the crawl at the bottom of Fox and Friends?

I’m running out of steam.  I told you it might not be pretty.  But shit: our country is not pretty right now.   This is by far the weirdest and most fucked up time I have lived through.  I hope it stays that way for the remainder of my life. I just read a piece about the upcoming 100 year anniversary of the armistice of World War I.  100 years ago. Not really that long when you think about it. And think of all the upheaval and wars that have occurred just then.

I have come to realize that just because I was born into a time of relative calm and stability in this country doesn’t mean it will necessarily stay like that.  Things fall apart. Revolutions happen. Nations clash-- internally and externally.

I’m still in the dark about the election tonight.  I haven’t peeked. I feel like this entry could go on and on about the roller coaster I’ve been on over the last two years.  All the emotions. The anger. I guess on a night like tonight, I’m never gonna tie it up neatly.

But I will say this: I want more love and unity and understanding.  I really do. I send my hopes into the night that we can get there. I want to think America is better than this.  America is better than Donald Trump. That’s my American Dream. That’s my patriotism. I want there to be enough left in this country to fight for and believe in.  Please, please, please. I hope I am not let down.